Tuesday, 10 July 2012

A spoof of 50 Shades... 50 Shades of Earl Grey.

50 Shades of Earl Grey




Brent lay on his back, as he sighed staring at the ceiling. 
'Oh my good grief,' he said in his head, as he realised watching all episodes of  Doctor Who season 6 back to back was a bad idea for a Sunday Evening.
He turned to see the flashing warning from the alarm clock. 'damn now I have to rush....'
He leapt out of bed naked except for the clothes he was wearing... turning the shower on to full flood to wake his still sleeping mind and body.. The water hit his body like a wave, not the sort of wave you give to friends across the street, no this was more like a wave from a stormy sea.

Dressing quickly in blue floral Cotton shirt with the last two buttons undone, navy blue flannel trousers blue socks and his dark brown shoes, he reached into the wardrobe one last time to grab his brown linen jacket.

Dashing through the kitchen, no time for anything now he took what he could find to eat later and shoved them into his jacket pocket.
The buzzing of the garage door met him as he passed through the front door...
And there she was. Gleaming from the shadows of the garage. Red and inviting, he took her from behind and backed her out of the garage doors into the bright sunlit Morn.
Brent spent over £2000 on this little beauty, and riding her was always a pleasure. The posture sprung mountain bike was his pride and joy....and he rode her hard.
He was in the lift when Gabriel tripped on the slightly raised lip of the lift floor and she fell into him, 'OH MY GOD' she thought as she felt something hard pressing into her hip, it can't be she thought, not this time of the morning!! moving away embarrassed she gushed out a Sorry to Brent who was still smiling at her, he really fancied Gabby as he called her but she never took any interest in him at all.
"Oh it's fine." He said, beaming at her. 
She tried not to stare at the bulge that had so recently pressed against her, but her mind was now conjuring up all kinds of things, and she knew what she would do with it, if she had it...
She had to ask... "Ah is that a Crunchy Granola Bar in your pocket?"  
"Yes ...yes it is." Brent replied, "I never had time for breakfast this morning, so I was thinking of having it with my coffee." "COFFEE?" She said, "Oh my poor boy,  Earl Grey is what you need on a morning rush like that! I'm having one myself, would you like me to bring you one?"  
"That would be lovely!"Brent said taken by surprise by the kind offer from the gorgeous Gabby, in her tight fitting green dress.
She imagined it now rolling on her tongue, 'would he have a spicy one? or would he play it safe and go with the Maple and Almond...' She was now craving the nutty taste, She knew she had some ginger bars in a safe place.
Earlier that Morning Gabriel had stopped at one of the many new Coffee bars that now lined the High Street. She had to have it there and then, hot and dark, the lip of the cup pressing against  her lips, she knew she would have to take it standing up, as all the comfy chairs were taken. Her first Earl Gray of the day sent a quiver down her spine as it travelled down her throat.

Leaving Brent in the lift, as he headed for the third floor.

Gabriel could hardly contain her wanton desire for more Earl Grey... 
She raced into the canteen, switching on the silver kettle by the microwave. "damn," she hissed as she noticed a wisp of steam that taunted her,  the water appeared ready! But it wasn't ready because it needed filling.
Now full enough for two cups she switch the kettle on, satisfied, she now rushed to her desk.... She was too excited to think straight, and pulled her draws open, her hands reached in, she knew the ginger bars were in the left hand draw, but having remembered a half eaten dime bar in the right she took both and walked back to the canteen, as she returned finished off the dime bar, by taking it into her mouth in one, she bit down and the delightful shards of caramel mixed with Delicious chocolate coated her tongue. she moaned as the sweet taste filled her mouth.
Back in the Kitchen, Gabriel placed a bag with its string hanging over the edge of each cup and poured the hot liquid. The string on each cup pulled tight as the bags bulged in the hot water, Gabriel was about to start tugging on each bag when her Mothers voice warned....'Never rush it dear! its better to wait five minutes so as to bring out the full flavour.'
Five minutes passed like Five minutes, and she threw the depleted sacks into the bin.
She liked it hot....but this was too hot, she still pressed the cup to her lips and the tongue licked the rim..oh yes way to hot.
Brent watched Gabby as her well rounded bottom pushed the glass doors open.... He laughed to himself as he always did when he heard the word 'BUT TOCKS' in his crazy brain, Brent's head was full of more voices then Paddington Station on a Tuesday afternoon.
One voice was now saying in slow motion, as Gabby backed in through the doors....'Ohhhh Yeeaaaaaaa!' like the Yello song.
"Here you go, one Earl Grey." 
"Thank you Gabby, this is so kind of you." He said, trying but not succeeding to look at her breasts, while she leaned over to place his cup down on the desk. "Wow!" He mumbled, "that looks great!" Hoping she realised  he meant the Tea.
"Yes it is good isn't it, you should quit that coffee lark, and drink more Earl Grey." She paused, as she thought, 'if you want that tight ripped body of yours to stay healthy.'
She watch as he raised the cup to his soft full lips...
"Humm, lovely,  very aah... Very tasty Gabby."  
'Think nothing of it." she said turning, and Brent took in  the curves of her body and let out his second Sigh of the day.

Victoria couldn't resist it any more she had to feel his package, hoping to feel the rounded ridges  at her finger tips. She hoped to feel Jammie dodgers... and in her disappointment she screamed out at Phillip in the kitchen. "Bloody Bourbons! you know I hate Bourbons with that stupid white layer of whatever!"

'Sorry Darling." Phil shouted back. "I can't hear you, the kettle is boiling... Help yourself to a biscuit! I wont me long." 'You're never LONG!' she shouted back.
She had been looking forward to a mouthful of Jammie Dodger, where her tongue could explore the ring of it's Jammie centre.
"By the way," Phil said, as he walked into the room with a tray. "I forgot you prefer Jammie Dodgers so I've put some around your saucer."
"Oh lovely!" she cooed , "your so thoughtful, I love that about you, you always make sure I'm satisfied."
"OH, Yes! Of course my Dear. I'd feel awful if I let you down." 
She looked up at his handsome face, "Shall we forget the tea and just have sex instead?"
'Very well Darling if that's what you want?"
'Give over, don't be ridiculous you fool, I was joking give me my Earl Grey, I want it while it's full and rich."
Phil sat beside Vicky... She was beautiful.
"I think your right, it is better when its hot." 
He lifted a hand to touch her face, then wiped a crumb of Jammie biscuit away. 
Vicky had taken it in almost whole. Her cheeks were as full like a squirrel, with it's nuts, but the look of Ecstasy was there for all to see.


more information on Earl Grey for you..


A blend of Indian and Ceylon teas, Earl Grey tea is infused with the flavor of bergamot, a small citrus fruit from Asia now cultivated in Italy. The health benefits of bergamot have been documented for centuries. Many of these benefits can be attributed to bergamot's antioxidants. Antioxidants attack free radicals, which have damaging effects that age the body. In this way the antioxidants in Earl Grey tea help your body stay young and healthy, fight off infection and keep illness at bay. That's why Earl Grey tea is recommended for patients with cold or flu, who often need to boost their immunity. Earl Grey tea is also used to reduce the temperature of patients who have a fever.




Chapter Two
Tea and Buns

Well Hello again readers …..here  I was going to add a plot change, but the characters of this little folly had something good to watch on TV… some random Shakespeare thingy… they are such lovey's …
Well that just leaves us ….ecthum .. (Awkwardly, clears thoat)  well ..crazy weather we’re having (OMG, Think of something!)  very eh very wet isn't it…. And Sunny!….but mainly wet (come on think of something you’re looking desperate!) very wet indeed….
Brent rode up Mount pleasant street (thank god, back on track) turning left he saw Gabby sat in the window of Costa, this was Fortunately a new and surprising honest Coffee shop in Lower Piddle High Street.
The door sounded with ring, as soon as Brent entered .. "Hello Sir! How can I help you today…. It’s all very expensive and I don’t recommend  the muffins as they are way over priced." ( like I said a surprisingly honest shop).
"Well...hum? let me see, I’ll have an Earl Grey please." 
"Are you sure sir!" 
"Yes very sure thank you." 
"And how would you like it Sir?" 
"In a cup if possible." And Brent flushed red, as his humour flew over the head of the straight face assistant.  
"Ecthum…" He cleared his throat. "I’ll have it medium black like my coffee…haha." (tumble weed moment)
"Very well sir. if you’d like to take a seat I’ll bring it straight over."  
Brent paid and walked over to Gabby’s table. 
"May I join you?" She looked up with a look of alarm as he’d just woke her from a day dream of swimming in chocolate. "Oh Brent... Yes, sorry, yes take a seat, I was miles away then.. Oh mind the mess I just had a Muffin, and it was rather crumbly." 
Brent took the seat opposite and brushed off a few crumbs, he wondered how she managed to get the crumbs to travel so far, she must have really bit into the Muffin with some vigour…. 
It’s at this point I’d normally Procrastinate about adding a long and totally unnecessary word to the story, what an absurd ambiguous Dilemma. but alas I can’t think of one.

"Thank  you for the Tea yesterday, ah, oh, by the way I took your advice, I'm having an Earl Grey, and it's  on it's way."  

"Oh lovely, she replied, glad I could help." 
He watched the speckles of crumbs on her chin,as she spoke and found them rather distracting.
She seemed to sense what he was looking at and wiped her chin quickly.. 
"Oh SORRY! How embarrassing." Her lips, with the cherry red lip stick looking so kissable.
"Oh, I didn’t notice he lied..."

Not five miles away….what? …pardon? 

Well I’m not going to walk it am I. it’s a story.. OK wait there ( The Author gets into his car and drives not five miles away)
Exactly 4.78 miles away. 'happy now are we?' Susan longed for some excitement. The touch. The feel. Yes she wanted Cake! 
But the choices were so damned tempting, she wanted them all! 
You can lemon drizzle me anytime baby, she thought as she eyed the waiter in his skin tight black trousers. 
"Would you like to order?"
 'Hell yea,' she thought, you on this table right now!, just move the pepper shaker that would be a painful accident waiting to happen.' 
"I’d like the cherry pie. Hot! with Vanilla Cream, and you if you’re not too busy."…. 'holy cow! she thought,  'did I just say that out loud?' "If your not busy serving others, can bring me an Earl Gray too." Good save! she told herself.
"Thank you madam I’ll bring it right over…"

The Earl Grey now sat in front of Brent.. he sipped the dark liquid, and it was Hot! to damned Hot!
"Gabby ?..hum. Are you seeing anyone at the moment?"
"Well the Doctor said if I keep taking the eye drops my sight would improve soon." she chuckled.
Brent did the 'I better laugh!' because she’s gorgeous and funny… "Ha ha." he laughed.
"No, no..." he looked Ernest.  and he knew how Ernest looked because he worked in the post room.
"What I mean is, I’d like to take you... Take you out, he stammered,  "maybe we could have dinner or something?"
Gabriel looked hard at Brent, as she sucked on the lemon that came with her Tea.
"Oh well, I’m free Sunday but on Monday you have to pay!" She chuckled to herself again, 'god he will think I’m an idiot!' she thought.
"Sunday's good, so Sunday  it is then... say 7 ish? Is OK? that sounds fine." Brent said as he gulped down more tea. 'Bloody hell that’s hot!' He wiped a tear before she noticed, and said "Well I have to get going Greg is meeting me at the Gym!"
Gabriel knew Greg, he was a rather tubby man in his late 40’s "Lovely chatting, I’ll see you Sunday then." Brent said raising from his seat to leave.
She watched him mounting his bike, as his perfect buttocks met the saddle. 
'Wow.' she thought, 'nice buns.'  She also chuckled at the word 'BUT TOCKS' now sat firmly in her brain, just like Brent the day before.
And strangely enough, it was nice Buns Patricia  was tucking into right now, the jam filling slipping deliciously over her tongue and down her throat... Her heart was racing, it was from the sugar rush, and she was loving being on board the sugar train. 'Choo Choo!'
She took her cup of Earl Grey slowly, not wanting to rush it, she wanted to savour every lovely moment...

"Hello Greg... Where the bloody hell have you been? I’ve stood here like a lemon for half an hour man!" Greg said and he looked annoyed. 
"I bumped into Gabby, at the cafe."
"Oh... You’d like to Bump into Gabby more like. And often!" He said as he gave Brent that all knowing look.
"Oh shut up!" Brent replied, "she’s lovely." 
"I don’t doubt it me old fruit, but look! she’s coming between us already." Greg said pouting his lips... 
Brent patted Greg’s cheek mockingly, "shut it you." 
The guys played tennis every Friday night. 
So new balls please.

Chapter Three
Chunk

As Saturdays go, this one was a very wet and windy….


This particular Saturday evening saw Victoria and Phillip doing a little late night shopping. Vicky fancied something fruity and plucked two plums off the shelf….
"Oh, do be a dear and grab a banana for me would you? I’ll have it for Lunch on Monday". Phillip shouted across from the cheese counter; He was sampling some goat’s cheese. "Hum... Vicky come try this Drunken Goat!" (This is a Spanish cheese from …. Spain) 
He still chuckled at the Tetilla Cheese which translates as Nipple.
As Vicky joined him, he pointed to the Drunken Goat cheese, which was resting between the Stinking Bishop and a large slice of Hooligan.  
"Well if you like, get 220 grams." Vicky suggested as she tossed the banana into the basket…


Phil sat in the cream leather chair in the lounge, while Vicky sorted the shopping out on the table, as she did so she dropped a plum, and it rolled a wobbly path past her legs, so she bent, half turning to retrieve her plum when she felt Phillip stood behind her. 

“Oh Really Phillip, those sorts of shenanigans are for Sunday night!” She said turning to facing him, to chastise him some more, till she saw she had backed onto the Banana half hanging from from the bag on the table.
'Oh well that explains it, I thought that was unusually frisky,' she said to herself.



You have to discipline yourself that’s the secret of exercise. It’s not meant to be a punishment for the body, it’s a meant to be a benefit. Well that’s what Brent was telling himself as he stooped to do more press up’s … 'Oh stuff  this! I’ll have marmite on toast instead' and on that enlightened brain wave he headed to the kitchen. 
Two slices of granary bread later, Brent sat watching the news. As he watched he thought of Gabby and her fabulous curly body… 'Oh Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.' He said in his head as his tongue delighted in the marmity toast. 
And because she said he needed it, he'd bought some Earl Grey, so he was now resting the steaming brew on his crouch, as he had nowhere else to rest the mug of tea.


She could feel it pounding and pounding….at this rate she was never going to get any sleep…. 'Bloody thunder!' she murmured. This was the second time she had woken in the night, the first time she woke herself by shouting “Don’t spank the Monkey in the hallway!”  'Oh good lord,' she said in her head. She had been watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes that evening and it seems to have followed her to bed.

Gabriel sighed and rolled over wrapping the duvet tighter round her body.


Steven couldn't believe the size of it…. Susan said she had one, but that was huge, he looked at her frowning 
“You couldn’t possibly …?” he was saying, and she cut him off short. “Not in one go. No!”  
“Blimey” he said, amazed, and she placed it between her ample supply of oranges in the glass bowl, centrally positioned atop  her dark oak coffee table.


“So I imagine you take it a piece at a time?”   
“Well yea!!” she said. “Haven’t you had Toblerone before?” "Not one that big, no… that would last me a week or more.”
"Well." Susan said. “I did say I couldn't eat a whole one at once, is your Earl Grey is getting cold by the way?”
“Oh.. Yes, I was  feeling your Muffins, they are very firm aren't they.”  
“I made them fresh today, thank you for noticing,  help your self!”  
Steve went straight to the white iced beauty with the cherry on top. 
“Oh... this is scrummy! I love the way it feels on my tongue, and having something steamy to go with it is a heavenly treat.” 
"Well Thank you." Susan said as she held a dark triangle chocolate to her lips, then let it  slide into her mouth. Then she held a second segment, and dropped it down her cleavage. 
"That's your piece." 
And Steven fought not to spit out the mouthful of tea he’d just taken.
Chapter Four

The Buffalo Bill

She really wanted it this morning... Hard! and Nutty! with a hint of ginger. 
So riffling through her draws once again Gabriel grabbed the last of her Ginger Crunchy Granola Bars.
"OH Yes!" she sighed, as her  taste buds boogied with delight.

This Sunday morning was brighter than yesterday, with a gorgeous sunrise making the mist hug the ground, as the clouds stretched thin in the sky over the trees and fields of Lower Piddle.
Joggers in teams of two or three ran as joggers do on such lovely mornings, with their eye's screaming 'Why am I doing this?' avoiding the puddles of the previous nights rain. 
Susan was running on her own down the winding path that lead to the tree lined bridleway. 
The earthy smell after the rain was fabulous, she breathed it all in as she ran between trees and shrubs, and the light danced over her, like bright fairies at a disco. 

Once home She kicked off her trainers and headed for the shower, discarding her top and shorts into the laundry basket at the top landing as she enter the bathroom, and from the door way she threw her bra and pants into the basket like a professional basketball player, if throwing pants was a sporting event she would have scored a perfect 3 every time.
Now naked, as she found it the best way to shower, she turned on the water, adjusting till it was as hot as she could bare, the water cascaded over her athletically toned body, and she was using a Chocolate scented shower gel, that now ran wave after soapy wave, down her tanned skin, her hands working the sweet smelling gel into all her  curves and crevices. (Blimey is it getting hot in here?) 
'Oh God this feels fabulous after a good run,' Susan said to herself, with that satisfied sigh that comes from such pleasures. 
('I'm no betting man but I bet it felt good too....the shower that is... not Susan...not that Susan wouldn't feel lovely too you understand...naked...Gulp!!'     'OK  I need a cold shower now!') 

Susan towelled herself off, took the robe from it's hook on the door, and wrapped it round her, as she took the stairs down to the kitchen, where she switched on the kettle and picked up her book from where she left off, ten minutes later mug in hand she entered the lounge and sat in her comfy chair Earl Grey at her side, She loved her Sundays.....her time to relax, and the sun coming through the window into her mainly cream coloured lounge made it all the more lovely.

Brent was excited, today was going to be his date with the Gorgeous Gabby and he wanted it to be perfect, he spent some time Saturday looking for an after shave as he wanted to smell good, he was thinking something woody perhaps.
He asked the girl at the counter, "Excuse me!....What would a woman like? which of these smell best?" 
"That would depend on what she likes." 
Not helpful Brent thought...
"Oh, So there isn't one that really stands out to you?" he asked again.   
"Well there is this one......It smells of dark chocolate.  
('Hum I sense a theme here, Maybe I should have got paid for product placement? Where's an Agent when you need one?')   
"Oh really?" Brent replied... "and girls love chocolate right?" he added...
"Most definitely,  I was sucking on one not five minutes ago!"  "Oh great said Brent how much?"  "
Not a lot, I didn't want to over do it, a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips! as they say."  she chuckled, "it was only a whisper."  
"NO....I mean how much is the After Shave... "
"Oh silly me... It's £49.99." said the blond assistant. 
"Blood and Sand!" Brent said in alarm, "it's a very tiny bottle for 50 quid isn't it?" 
"It's the top of the range sir!" (Well that explains it)  
"OK." he said,  "I'll take it... 
(It's a strange thing, but people never want to look cheap do they?  and they always end up buying things  they wish they  had the sense to avoid, but he really, really likes Gabby.)

Gabriel looked stunning in a green sparkling evening dress, that clung to her curves like a lovers caress. 
"Wow! You look stunning Gabby." (Told you) 
Brent said as he was greeted at the door... 
"Oh, This old thing? Thank you it's  just something I threw on." she smiled warmly. (Yes she threw it on several times after trying 20 other dresses.)
They reached the restaurant via Gabriel's yellow  Cleo as Brent had no car of his own.  
"Table for two Please." Brent told the young Italian looking waiter. 
"Right this way sir...would you like the table by the window?" "That would be excellent thank you.." 
The waiter pulled a chair out for Gabriel and she sat with a Thank you... 
Brent sat opposite as he did at the Coffee bar.... Well here we are." He said.
"Yes, isn't it lovely here." Gabriel said, looking around the candle lite restaurant, it looked very romantic with cosy little nooks for lovers to spend a wonderful evening eating, wtih   Beautifully presented food.
The reason Brent picked this  Particular Restaurant was that it had Buffalo Steak with Buffalo Mozzarella.  "You don't get any fat on Buffalo meat." he explained to Gabby. 
"Oh that sounds lovely." she said, "I'll leave you to order then."
Brent ordered the Steaks which came on a heated flat stone that allowed the meat to sizzle away with the Mozzarella melting into the meat to add it's juices to the flavour.
The still cooking food meant it was all the more inviting with it's thick cut chips in there skins, honeyed parsnips, carrots and runner beans, with a rich red wine sauce.  
Gabby selected the red wine at Brent's request and she chose a cheeky little British wine called Pinot Noir 2010 from Bolney Wine Estate.

The favours bursting on to Gabriel's tongue made her want to squeal with delight....'OH My God!' she thought, 'this is just fantastic... Hum I'm loving this.' and her taste buds agreed.  and the juices  were so rich she swallowed them slowly and with great pleasure....
"How is it?" Brent asked, eyebrows raised.
"Oh it's absolutely Divine, I've never had Buffalo before, it's wonderful!"
The meal was indeed lovely and both enjoyed the evening and chatted about life and their dreams......no work talk.
Even the view looking over a large lake seemed to make the evening even more magical, as the bird life  around the lake came and went, throughout the night.

"I really enjoyed this evening Brent." Gabby said.
Brent  looked  straight into her beautiful green eye's, that were made all greener, by reflecting the green of her dress.
"Oh, Ah, I loved every minute Gabby." he said feeling like the luckiest man in Britain... "I'll see you tomorrow." and he moved closer and kissed her cheek.  
Gabriel felt her heart skip a beat for a second and turned her head to meet his lips.......when the kiss came, her lips seemed to tingle like an electric current was passing from Brent to her and Brent felt it too........after a rather long and lingering kiss, Gabriel unlocked the door looked into Brent's blue eyes, took his hand and pulled him inside.... he didn't resist.

(Why the lucky Baa,....... that would never of happened in my day, oh no,  you might be lucky and get a firm hand shake and a hearty goodbye..... Kids of today Eh? well I never.)

I need a steaming Earl Grey after that...... and I guess they will too, so lets leave them to it, shall we.


Chances are you've heard that a little alcohol - especially wine - is good for the heart and for health generally. 
Sorting out fact from wishful thinking isn't easy. We look at the facts and find a little wine is probably fine - just don't overdo it.